The Top 15 Signs Your Local Police Academy Sucks

15> Final exam consists of guessing the end of a "Scooby Doo" episode.

14> They spent last year's entire budget on a bronze replica of Barney Fife.

13> Across the street: Dunkin' Donuts, Winchell's, and a house they're tearing down to make way for Krispy Kreme.

12> All graduates immediately placed on administrative leave subject to internal department review.

11> It advertises for new recruits on late night television, and promises a "Tater Twister" and two tubes of Miracle Spot Remover with every enrollment.

10> "Bulletproof vests" issued to cadets are nothing but Domino's "Heat Wave" pizza totes with arm holes.

9> Chalk body outlines consistently lack compositional balance and stylistic integrity.

8> Instead of karate lessons, you learn the Moe Howard eye poke.

7> When your combat instructor tells you to "put a cork in it", he's referring to reloading your weapon.

6> Stun gun training? Twelve butter knives and a toaster.

5> First rule: if someone has fruit on their head, read them their Miranda rights.

4> Obstacle course consists of one tire and an aggressive telemarketer.

3> Firearms training: 2 hours. Sucking the filling out of a jelly doughnut training: 2 weeks.

2> Your squad car has an *actual* cherry on top.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Local Police Academy Sucks...

1> Rubber bullets, rubber guns, rubber pants.


K-9 Cops

The Champaign Ill. Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


The Cuckoo Clock

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys."

I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness -- even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."


The Bet

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah". So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."