Exercise Plan
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was 
on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea 
to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone 
named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and 
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how 
enthusiastic I was to get started.  
Day 1. 
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it 
when I arrived at the health club, and Tanya was waiting  for me. 
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white 
smile.  She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes
on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but
I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 
ten points.  Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very 
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a 
little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This 
is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. 
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.  
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake.  Legs were a little 
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made 
it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. 
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long 
as I didn't try to steer.  I parked on top of a Volkswagen.  Tanya 
was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering 
the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the 
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an 
activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?  Tanya
told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine
anything worse.

Day 4. 
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I 
can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just 
to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.
The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's 
room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me 
try the rowing machine.  It sank. 

Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body 
not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be 
a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, 
I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't 
hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, 
YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.  The treadmill flung me 
back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it 
have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. 
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.  I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight 
hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.  
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon 
exam or free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

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